If Only: The Speed of Cattle


I and my former best-friend, Jonah, were so in love with this band (Archers of Loaf) that we actually followed them from a DC show at the Black Cat to a show in Louisville Kentucky. A bonus of this show was that we got to see a little unknown band called Spoon. The singer of this band ended up sleeping with my long term roommate.

The two of us loved talking philosophy and thinking about new ways of existing. We took the album title “The Speed of Cattle” seriously. We decided to spend an entire week of our suburban lives moving at this speed: of cattle.

We never drove above thirty miles an hour: even if on the highway. We walked slow, ate slow, thought before we spoke, were chivalrous, polite, kind, patient, loving and were just calm.

It was a good week. Of course we went back to normal and eventually fucked each other over. Our egos, sex drives and vaginal turf wars took place between “my” ex-girlfriend and “his” new girlfriend which wrecked us as mutual revolutionaries. And as friends. That three-way probably wasn’t such a good idea was it!? She ended up cheating on her boyfriend with her ex-boyfriend: me. Such a waste.

They were both wonderful. He’s in Ireland, she’s in England and I’m here in shit town USA.

It’s only Rock ‘N Roll!

Archers of Loaf:


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